Are you kidding me?

"Your 2010 San Francisco Giants: Bringing Futility to Utility." Now there's a marketing slogan for you.

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends. Mark DeRosa and Juan Uribe will don the orange and black, meaning another year of mediocre offense is at hand. Figure in the arbitration raises for Tim Lincecum and Brian Wilson that are sure to come, and Giants management has retained just enough cash to pay Brian Sabean's cab fare out of town (may the firing happen swiftly).

To be fair, Uribe and DeRosa are decent players, but is either the answer the Giants woes? Well, Uribe sure isn't -- he proved that last year (I had a coach tell me once that he lost with me, he could lose without me -- that's Uribe). You don't upgrade by bringing back the same cast of idiots. We can hope DeRosa is an improvement, but my reasons for thinking otherwise have already been posted so we'll leave it at that. But what galls me the most is that the Giants just signed the same guy twice. Is either player anything more than a utility man?

There's something to be said for versatility, but a team of number-six hitters is still just that. The Giants have tried this before, jamming a guy into a role he isn't suited for. From Bengie Molina to Pedro Feliz to Aaron Rowand and more, the Giants can't seem to grasp this one simple concept: You can't take a guy who should be hitting in the lower third of your order and pronounce him the solution just because he's marginally better than the stiff you had there before (who had no business in that role either).

If you assume the Giants liked what they saw from Uribe and are hoping he'll repeat that effort, then the best you can expect from that move is to stand pat. That means the "upgrade" is DeRosa -- who is 34 and coming off wrist surgery and a sub-par year. Wow, I'm brimming with confidence in that move.

Stop me if you've heard this before. "Yes, Player X struggled last year but he's historically put up good numbers. We believe he'll return to form. Ignore that he just received his AARP card." Are you buying that? Congratulations. You just talked yourself into signing Edgar Renteria again. Or Ryan Klesko. Or Randy Johnson. Or Jeff Fassero. Or Brett Tomko. Or ....

My brain is starting to hurt. Anyone seen the head-exploding scene from Scanners?

These moves come at the same time the Mets have locked up Jason Bay. Now Bay didn't want to come to San Francisco, but reports are that he was hoping someone -- anyone - would step up and rescue him from the poor fit that was New York. Opportunity missed?

While I wouldn't advocate the Giants spending all of their money on an overpriced guy like Bay, at least the Mets went after an upgrade. They NEEDED a left fielder, and they got a decent one. I'm convinced that his signing isn't going to make or break that team, but at least their fans believe the Mets are making an effort. Did you get that same feeling about the Giants when they "bagged" DeRosa and Uribe.

Yeah, start printing those World Series tickets, pal.

The Hot Stove has as much to do with PR as it does with player acquisition. You have to convince your fan base that you (a) want to win, and (b) at least have some clue how to go about it if you want support -- i.e. revenue.

No one but the most delusional of Pollyannas can look at the Giants' off-season moves and think the team is any better off than it was in 2009. Its leading HR hitter is gone, its biggest offensive threat doesn't have a postion, and the GM is saying its two biggest prospects aren't ready for the show but may have to play anyway because he can't bribe any decent player to fill the gap. Oy vey!

If someone can answer this one simple question for me, I might be a little less likely to scale a clock tower with a deer rifle: How can the team get better if it doesn't get better players?

Are you seriously telling me that Mark DeRosa is the key to it all? Saying this is the solution is like claiming the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about. He's not a bad player, but he's not a difference maker -- something the Giants are severely lacking. What he is, quite frankly, is a pale Juan Uribe. One is fine. One has value. Two is a major mistake ordered up direct from the Department of Redundancy Department. Meanwhile, every roster space and salary dollar spent on a guy who isn't the solution is one less spot or buck available to someone who is.

Since an impact acquisition clearly isn't in their immediate future, are the Giants now saying that the hope is that guys like Valez or Lewis (who have no discernable baseball skills sans speed) finally figure it out at an age where they should already be at their peak? Are they saying John Bowker and Nate Schierholtz are closer to Mays and Bonds than Todd Linden or Jason Ellison or Damon Minor or Cody Ransom or Carlos Valderama, or (insert favorite lauded-prospect-turned-grocery-store-clerk here)? Are they saying Sabean was wrong about Bumgarner and Posey and they'll contribute in 2010-- and if so, why is a guy who is consistently that wrong still employed?

This is an organization doing nothing but spinning its wheels, and this week's moves are the most glaring evidence so far. If the Giants were so desperate for utility guys that they needed to sign two, then what was the point of wasting three years of development time on the just-departed Kevin Frandsen? I swear they're just making this up as they go.

This isn't rocket science. Any fantasy league or Strat-O-Matic geek will tell you the deep dark secret that isn't secret at all: better players win more games. You can shuffle the deck and put the cards in any order you like, but you aren't going to build a Lotus out of Volkswagen parts. Sabean continues to make his purchases from the Salvation Army thrift store, hoping the personality-challenged dude from Antique Road Show will show up and tell him he bought a Monet for six bucks. Don't hold your breath.

This would be laughable if it weren't so pathetic. The Giants have glaring holes. Sandoval is their only power bat, by their own admission they do not have a catcher or a fifth starter (and barely a fourth), the corner outfield positions are (to be polite) unsettled, and previous genius signings like Aaaron Rowand and Edgar Renteria continue to suck the lifeblood out of the payroll like Amy Winehouse sucks down tequila shooters. But hey, we got DeRosa and Uribe! Yahoo! I'm so excited I think I'll wet my pants.

Where exactly are the solutions going to come from? Is Sabean hoping the Baseball Fairy delivers someone who actually belongs in the three hole or has he already committed to another season of Three Card Monte with the line-up?

The Giants, and their management, are the poster children for mediocrity. They willingly spend money on C-grade players, pat themselves on the back for the accomplishment if they land a C+, and then wonder why anyone dares question their decisions while the team, predictably, fails.

Perhaps its appropriate that a statue of Charlie Brown sits on the Club Level at AT&T Park because that's the perfect metaphor for Giants management. They repeatedly convince themselves that this time Lucy isn't going to pull the football away -- and then wonder why they always end up flat on their backs.

I've got a feeling 2010 will be no different.


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Hypocrites or Hypocrates?

The Hypocratic Oath includes a promise to do no harm. Giants management, each and every year, promises to try to win (they just don't seem to try very hard). The question: are the Giants doing more harm than good with their off-season tactics? It seems the two don't mesh.

With Mark DeRosa being bandied about as the most-likely potential acquisition, you gotta wonder if the Giants are actually trying to improve, or if they view it an upgrade just to say they suck a little less. Don't get me wrong, DeRosa is a decent ballpalyer. He's also 34 years old with declining peripherals. Statistically he's, well, he's Randy Winn. Or maybe he's Ryan Garko -- at a bigger cost. What he isn't is the impact bat the Giants need.

There's plenty of talk on the Giants message board about DeRosa's long list of suitors. It's like the idea is that since so many people want him, he must be good. It's the same theory that has Notre Dame's recruiting class rated in the Top 10 every year while the Irish perform like Ace Freehley on a three-day crack binge. Are their recruits sought after because they're good, or are they condsidered good because a once-proud-but-now-disfuctional franchise tabbed them as the next big thing?

Once proud, now disfuctional: sounds like a certain baseball team, doesn't it?

DeRosa is wanted for his versatility. That's great if you need a super sub. Any contender would happily play him 2-3 days a week and bat him in the seven hole to give a teammate a break. The Giants aren't a contender, and with their self-imposed salary cap looming his acquisition means fewer bucks to spend on real areas of need -- namely guys to hit in the middle of the line-up and protect Panda from something other than himself on a excursion to Golden Corral.

DeRosa adds what, exactly, to the line-up? He's likely to be nothing more than another aging vet taking up payroll space. He's this year's Ryan Klesko or Aaron Rowand-- the guy Sabean will point to as the key to it all while Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain try to figure out how many 2-1 games they'll drop in '10.

Here's a radical idea: declare 2010 a loss.

Let's be real. The stick the Giants need isn't out there. Any attempt to once again piece together a line-up with castoffs, rejects and guys clinging to that last hope of regaining some semblance of their previous form won't get it done, and the Giants shouldn't waste resources chasing an impossible dream.

Look at the market. Bay and Holiday are the big names everyone is fixated on. Bay and Holiday? Neither is the oh-my-God-don't-let-him-beat-us hitter the Giants need, but both are gonna get paid like it this off season. Pass.

If the next option is DeRosa/  Andy LaRoche / Xavier Nady / (insert stiff here), that's an equally-dismal predicament.

But the nightmare scenario is that the Giants spend money on Sabean's so-called "second-tier" free agents then have nothing to work with when someone who fits the bill does become available.

Weird things happen in July, kind of like a frat party after someone gasses the keg. The loaded 19-year-old whipping off her top might be Otis Nixon in a skirt, but she could also be the head cheerleader. You never know who's coming to the dance until the music starts, and if your card is full you may miss an opportunity.

This is a time for the Giants to hold their powder. They can't make this stew better, not with the ingredients now on the shelf. So they best they can do right now is Do No Harm.

Hypocrates would be proud.



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Launching the Rants!

As a long-time San Franisco Giants fan (I started in 1971) I've had my share of rants about the team that I both love and despise. Love: because that's what we do with our teams. Hate: because this godforsaken, mismanaged, pathetic excuse for a franchise never fails to disappoint me.

Oh, sometimes they'll come close to fulfulling the dream, but most of the time I just sit back and wonder why I waste the time, effort and money required to engage in this morbid hobby. Each season is the same. You look up and down the roster, convince yourself that there's absolutely no way the team could be as miserable as it was the previous year, and then watch as they set out to prove you wrong.

So now, in December of 2009, I've decided to give voice to my rage. With the Hot Stove heating up and Brian Sabean ensuring us that he's going to toss around nickels like manhole covers (translation: wish for that big bat all you want but you're gonna get John Bowker), I figured this was the time to begin one fan's chronicle of a hopeless quest.

The Genesis of this exercise came about last September. You can guess the moment: Ryan Spilbourghs's shot at Coors Field that ended any reasonable hope the Giants had at making a run. I posted a rant on the Giants message board, one that was read verbatim on KNBR the next day. It got a good response, so I figured, why not? Let's try it for a year and see how it pans out. Couple that with the wife dragging me to see "Julie and Julia " (I had to turn in my man-card after that), and the path brought me here.

To give you a preview of what's to come, here's the post that started it all:

After Spilbourghs’ shot left the yard last night, my wife came out of the bedroom (where she’d been awakened by my expletive-laden tirade) to see if I was still alive. That’s how it is to be a Giants fan – someone peaks around the corner thinking, “I hope he’s still breathing. I think the Giants might have just killed him.”


It’s over.  After 14 innings and a four-game debacle where the Giants HAD to perform but failed miserably, the 2009 season is dead. There may be 37 games left, but this season is over. After 39-years following this Godforsaken franchise, I know season-ending loss when I see one.


The Giants won’t catch Colorado for a simple reason -- the Rockies are better. In every phase of the game -- pitching, offense, defense, management, player acquisition – the Giants are the Rockies’ bee-yotch. Everything the Giants pay lip service to becoming, the Rockies are. That’s par for the course. The Giants talk a good game. The competition plays a good game.


So it happened again. Nothing can be as bad as Game Six in 2002, but this was close. If the Giants were a girl, you’d break up with her. You’d explain that you couldn’t take it any more and then either sleep with her sister or swear off women altogether.


There are thousands like me. We buy tickets, pay for satellite packages, wear the hats and jerseys, pony up for soggy garlic fries and overpriced beer. This is our reward -- yet another season of heartbreak.


I can’t emphasize this enough: I will die wondering why (Bruce) Bochy felt the need to let (Justin) Miller wilt to death last night (taking the season with him), why Fred Lewis continues to get at-bats in critical situations, why (Brian) Sabean overpays for stiffs like (Aaron) Rowand and (Bobby) Howry while pronouncing the team sound, or believes mediocre players like Ryan Garko are the secret to success. It boggles the mind. To have that game, and that series, get away in the manner it did was indefensible at best and catastrophically moronic at its worst. By the time Spilobourghs came to the plate, that home run wasn’t just inevitable, it was preordained.


The demise of the 2009 Giants is simple to explain. They fell short because at every level – from the front office to the team on the field – they’re overmatched. This franchise is run by people who would hit a 19 at the blackjack table because they “had a feeling”.


As for me, I feel like Andrew Golata just spent the weekend raining down blows to my protective cup. This excruciating series devoured 90 percent of the residual emotion I had left in my body. It was like seeing the ghost of 2002 appear. When Miller came into the game I KNEW the Giants were going to lose. Any reasonable Giants fan could recognize the depressing signs because we’ve been there before. Like Haley Joel Osment in “The Sixth Sense”, we know dead seasons when we see them.


Does any of this make sense? Of course not. I’m completely insane. The Giants have driven me insane – it’s official.

What makes it worse is that I have twin sons, one named McCovey no less, whom I planned to raise as Giants fans. Now I have to wonder, am I doing the right thing? I’m coming to grips with the fact that the Giants are now the pre-2004 Boston of the West Coast. There are people like myself WHO WILL DIE never having seen their team win it all. What am I setting my kids up for? Is it time to start buying them Angels gear?


There has to be accountability in the front office. The Giants have about eight players who are worth salvaging, and nobody on the coaching staff needs to return. If there aren’t wholesale changes at EVERY level, this franchise is eternally doomed.


The parallels between the Giants the cursed Red Sox are many. Sabean is Dan Duquette. Bochy is channeling Grady Little. We’ve always got a Miller or (Tim) Worrell, or (John) Bowker or Howry to play the Bob Stanley role. And we have plenty of long-suffering fans who know we’re totally screwed. It’s like being stuck in a bad marriage. You can’t get out --- ever. If Bill Neukom can’t step into the John Henry shoes and clean house, the Red Sox curse will look like a walk in the park compared to what Giants fans will endure.


I’ve followed the Giants religiously since 1971. Every year ends with a punch in the stomach. I’ve finally reached the breaking point. If these same guys (including Sabean and Bochy) are back in 2010, I won’t be. Enough. Sometimes you just have to look out for yourself.

And yet, here I am, re-upping for yet another season of heartbreak.


New posts won't appear on a regular basis in the off-season -- just when the mood strikes me. During the season I anticipate making observations after most games, provided I'm not burning someone in effigy or contemplating suicide. But until then, just a few things to ponder:


1) We should never again hear the four saddest words in sports -- "Batting cleanup, Bengie Molina".

2) We can be encouraged that, thanks to Camp Panda, Pablo Sandoval should become the most featered hitter in the Giants line-up instead of the most feared man at Hometown Buffet.

3) Somewhere locked in a vault there must a DNA test that shows Bochy and Sabean are long lost brothers (with Neukom as the secret father of both). It's certainly the only reason either still has a job.

4) Sabean has the longest tenure of any GM who hasn't won a World Series. He's the only guy outside of adult films and Fresno State football who gets rewarded for consistent mediocrity.

5) I'd gladly pay an extra dollar for the friggin' garlic fries if the Giants would add one player who couldn't file for free agency and Social Security at the same time.

Until next time.